Many times i find myself still very tempted to email you just to feel comforted through this pain that someone iis there listening. And understanding. But i catch myself and stop me from doing it. It is just unfortunate that my personality i am born and grew up with that although i can talk to anyone, i don’t open up to many on a personal level, only a very very bare few not even my closest friends whom i’ve known for decades. But if for whatever reasons i chose you as the one, i don’t know to say you’re the unlucky or lucky one to have to hear everything, the deepest and darkest struggle that i mostly keep hidden within silently.
It’s rejection that terffies me to get close to anyone now as it also reminds me too much of the time Khoo KL suddenly left just the evening after he called me from his hospital bed in Hospital Selayang. Where his few last words to me were, “young lady, learn to slow down. I’d love to see you enjoy life and dance in a yellow polka dot bikini,” – his favourite tune. And the aftermath of his departure from this world still hits me really hard especially on his death anniversary and his birthday, till this date. I’d forever never forget the gratitude owed to him for bringing me into the medical industry. And his unwavering and unconditional care towards mum and i as a physician. Always present, forever reliable to advice, no matter the time of day and wherever in the world he was.
But rejection faced in the corporate world setting is something i’ve gotten used to and it doesn’t affect me on a personal level, unless it’s an existing client that i’ve built a close relationship with.
Even though it’s 1 year you’ve given me, i don’t know if i’ll still be alive to see it through as in reality given the recent episodes especially the latest one that has really taken a very very bad and hefty toll on my body functioning and immune system and i also don’t know if i want to return back even after the 1 year to just be an obligation. No one normal even wants to be of any obligation to anyone.
It’s a very very hard struggle but i won’t ask and i won’t tell. I catch myself quick from the temptation to email her. I know my life left will be a very short one but i still hope at the end of the day, to be able to leave with some dignity left. And not beg.
Career and studies wise, i think i’m doing okay at 36 in working towards my lifelong ambitions in such a short few years. One can be born highly intelligent with a high IQ but knowledge is acquired through time, dedication, passion and relentless effort; you are not born with a chip implanted in your brain.
But in many ways, i’ve reached the end of my road. After over 6 years, i hate to admit that there were just a lot of things that was managed for me, that i simply took for granted which i realised i can’t manage everything left on my own now. And the nature of my work and my commitment to professionalism vs disclosure makes it really hard for me to simply reach out to just about anyone out there for help on this part.
Ultimately, we all just really want to feel loved, accepted and cared for. Unconditionally. Without having to be. Just as i am. And just being me.