Every single time I collapse, and when I open my eyes, I see the medical personnel all standing beside me, tears roll down automatically.
Why did I have to make it through and why did I have to ever open my eyes again?
Being in the A&E in an unfamiliar place has became almost like a monthly affair for me in the past 3-4 months. But that is the only time I really truly sleep – deep sleep. But each time, I refused admission. More as I no longer want to pursue any treatment for any condition, existing or new that arise.
Home –> SunMed –> Work = this used to be the order of my “playground” and comfort or hiding zone – in this exact order.
I won’t return to SunMed unless I really don’t have a choice to not be reminded of the past few years and events that transpired which truly feels so raw and heart-breaking. Can’t explain the pain.
Just one aspect of my life that I really really cannot ever let go – especially pictures of him is everywhere: my laptop wallpaper, phone wallpaper, home screen – I hope he does not have to go through the same struggles that I went through. And I hope he grows up remembering especially when in the most difficult of moments, that the unconditional love and adoration that his gugu have for him, no matter the circumstances – for always and forever. Wherever I be, irregardless even in the existence of different realms, that someone is watching over him, protecting him, and keeping him safe and warm.
Jet jet, you will forever be loved.
Signing off,
Gugu
If I could stay, to tell you everyday of your lil’ life, “I love you”, I would – for the rest of your life.