Today was the start of my quest in building my dream team under VersaComm, with Chi Ming coming on board. I’ve been waiting for this moment for VersaComm since last year. And a big part of me feels really relieved that at least these are people I’ve known and are willing to work together with me, instead of feeling threatened, jealously, playing dirty politics with my sudden and unexpected comeback in my career revival. But at least for Bakat Arena, things are and have been up and running.
But also this morning i rushed from a huge presentation to the Deputy Minister of Women to a new business meeting to present a proposal to a new client, I collapsed and passed out on my way out of the client’s office. And had to be rushed to the nearest A&E in Ara Damansara.
Yes, a lot of people see, admire the glamour, the success, the “fame of being highly sought after”, the respect and the strong reputation established within the industry. As a good friend mentioned, literally “from zero to hero.”
But the price that I’ve to pay for all these which most don’t know of? And the sacrifices and the toll of all the stress and never-ending demands especially when it’s a regional project that have truly taken a big hit and irreversible impact on my entire mind, body and soul – only God knows the reality of it.
Having to be “on-call” 24/7 – dependent on whenever client or experts choose to communicate and replies are expected in at least half hour time frame, no matter the time of the day. Or whether it is a weekend or public holiday.
Going to bed past 12 midnight and waking up at 2.45am with very restless sleep, with incessant dreams of work, and waking up worried sick about how and where to fit in time to think and strategise another plan for yet another client for a different product or a different therapeutic area.
Worried sick about the monthly P&L, given that the fixed overhead for VersaComm alone is Rm2xx xxx and over…. which means shouldering the responsibility of ensuring that i bring in figures a bare minimum of double that amount on a monthly basis for the company to be financially healthy and profitable.
Managing politics in every single aspect that exists out there and not stepping onto any unknown or unforeseen landmines – whether is it politics within a particular specialists, clients, ministerial departments, and even within my own backyard in VersaComm…..
And managing 2 separate teams of minions at VC and Bakat Arena. At least the latter doesn’t give me much of a problem.
Having zero time for social life or any outings or breaks with friends. The only social time you do is out of obligation with clients or experts. Full stop.
The drinking, vaping, cigarettes…all i know which will only hasten my death.
Food – at least the need to eat when i entertain is no longer there as i cite the reason that i’m still on very strict diet restrictions for safety and health reasons. So most times, i barely eat more than a soup and a little bites of salad.
And the amount of medication that just keeps adding on as time goes by thats needed to deal with all the outcome from the stress faced till I get so nauseated when i face meds and each and every time ive to swallow them.
The real fatigue, both physically and mentally… just drained… of ideas, energy, everything that is just so demanding of every aspect of me; most often, it actually way surpass what i can and have to actually give.
Question is: do i really have a choice or the luxury to choose to opt out of all these without risking losing everything?
The clear answer is no.
I want this all really badly, no doubt. But it is times like today and having to go through getting intubated twice within less than 3 month-span, makes me question if i can really still be stubborn in my decision to be so firm and tough in pursuing this path. Or whether i should settle for something less but find a way to be okay with not being the best and not being at the top of my game.
Without dubbing and degrading myself as a total waste of God’s talent.
I also ask if this is a “normal” sacrifice one has to make to climb up to the top of the career ladder. Or is what i’m doing currently, just too much?
I wished i had answers…