Approx. 3 years ago when i made the decision to venture and change the company’s direction to medical marketing at the same time when i started Bakat Arena, i knew really little about handling RTDs, revising or coming up with CPGs, HCPs symposiums etc. Everything i had to just be quick on my feet to learn from scratch, from looking at how other companies do these stuff and i also must admit, youtube.
It was a damn damn hard and arduous struggle and most of the times, proposals, pitches to pharmas – all were done solo. No one else in the company was adept at medical knowledge, needless to say these medical events. And i had more critics and people telling me i’m doing the impossible then actual people who believed i could succeed in a whole new field.
I worked my ass off – but even saying this is an understatement. And never gave up pursuing and learning mostly also by field visits, talking and asking questions of all sorts on things that i don’t know about.
I must have think it paid off now especially in winning the trust and confidence of clients, both existing and new. In these past 3 years, my rate of response is immediate no matter the time of the day, and no matter the expectations of each client. If a client chooses to stay awake past 12 midnight to discuss ideas with you, I was there. If there was an event the next day and the client is awake at 3am and need any changes to whether RTD discussion formats etc, I was there with them. It was till a point where if a client texts and they don’t hear back from me within the next hour, their next text will be “Is everything okay?” or “Are you okay?”…. I was exhausted but justified to myself that i was a newbie starting off, and i needed to put in the extra effort to do this if it’s an area that i truly am passionate about. Which i was and still really am.
Now 3 years down, it has really taken a huge toll on my health. I thought long and hard but I can never deny or deviate from the fact that i’m finally in a field that i’m truly, madly and deeply passionate and love. And this is what i want to spend the rest of my life doing, without a doubt.
But i think i’m no longer that newbie needing to prove myself to clients and experts. Now i have to work not based on clients’ or Experts’ expectations, but work according to what i am able to. To set that line or “boundary” that especially it is okay to not respond immediately. It is okay to not say yes to every single job, but politely reject it based on my capacity – and not seeing this as being arrogant like MIMS and the cause of their downfall.
And it is okay to learn to not be a control-freak and a chronic perfectionist – that no one is perfect and people CAN AND DO make mistakes. And not beat myself up for the mistake.
Yesterday I peered deep within and asked myself with all honesty: what is it that i truly want and love to spend the rest of my life doing? Returning back to student life, full-time? Pursuing writing and concentrate more on my book? The company and to expand within APAC?
All of the above, I want. I couldn’t choose. As all of it have been my heartfelt and earnest ambitions that I harboured ever since as a really young kid. But at the core of these ambitions, I wanted to be a runaway success in whatever that I do. My biggest trait is that I am self-motivated and can be really disciplined if it’s something I wanted to do.
I grew up with mum’s constant reminder, “If you want to be even a char kueh teow seller, make damn sure you’re the best and nothing short of the best. Make damn sure that when people think of char kueh teow, you are the first and only one they think of. Otherwise, you might as well forget that, and do something else with your life.”
I’m 36 years and a bit over 2 months. I won’t say i’ve made it but looking at then and now, when I used to be crippled and have chronic anxiety even speaking up at internal group status for fear of being judged that i’ve to rely so heavily on drugs, to now, making official presentations to even Ministry level without even blinking an eye but running full with adrenaline of excitement and passion of presenting ideas that i truly believe in implementing especially from my position as a patient of illnesses and medical conditions of every sort and form, i realised i can tone down and learn to relax.
By nature, I can be a really lazy person especially when it comes to things I hate to do but when it comes to something I truly want to pursue, laziness is never an adjective. But right now, i need to know it is okay to learn to be “lazy” and take some slack. People always said I’m so talented at almost everything and I’m just wasting away what God has blessed me with. And this statement rings on replay in my head. Because I’m talented, i went all out to make use of every inch of my talent at the expense of my health, my personal relationships with friends, my hobbies that i once love – reading, writing, just sitting out there watching the rain fall with a cup of tea and watching the world go by – i forgot all these till last night. Just because I’m talented, doesn’t mean God wants me to kill myself pursuing and using these talents but rather, to use it in a realistic and meaningful way that can still make a difference in this world, whether big or small.
But bottom line is, although I earn a comfortable amount now and still able to save but I do not want to see these savings go to paying anymore hefty hospital or medical bills.
My immediate goal is to get my MBA done, work on spending my sem on campus in Connecticut while also remotely pursuing the 2 other areas – but at my own pace. Not at a pace dictated by anyone else.
Life is no longer a competition of being the best or proving any point to anyone but it is more of a lifelong marathon, to pace myself, and living a God-abiding life – choosing to walk with faith alongside Him, and not by sight or by what I feel like that moment or that day.
And keep reminding myself that i am doing okay where i am, and that it is okay to be not okay sometimes too.