3 medical visits which only made me feel helpless, more alone and unwanted like a ball being kicked around from one to another; Dr Ang to Kazuo and Dr Hoo, Dr WM to Dr Rosmadi and Dr Lim, Dr Hoo back to Dr Ang…I tried not to show anyone the frustrations. And sheer exhaustion. Before that was a lunch meeting and 2 virtual meetings. Planned to watch through 1 virtual lesson but really can’t bring myself to focus – keep having to hit pause and rewind back as i just cannot concentrate on the lecture contents.
Feel lifeless and just like a robot but still, sleep remains an ever-elusive thing, day in and day out… 11.30pm earliest i am able to hit the sack, and awake by default at 3.30am, latest 4am. the incessant nightmares that i dread.
I know my body really really is in dire need of just rest before I hit the wall and crash hard again… I’m really tired…. This time I highly doubt I will be so lucky to walk out breathing and kicking, alive. Exactly as Dr Ang said today… “At my pace, just a matter of time before my body gives out again not only mentally but physiologically….”
I look up to the sky outside my bedroom window.
And pray. as the tears stream down incessantly.
I hide this vulnerability with crippling fear. no one i can trust to help. Or that i dare not trust any longer.
I hope He hears this faint cry for help. Or this helpless cry.
In Your name, I pray for calm, for peace, for mercy, for You to hold me tightly, to feel safe, walk close by my side so it deosn’t have to feel so silent and alone in every struggle and for You to just be by my side, I’m tired of struggling alone through it all – work, personal, health. Even just for a short momentarily relief. From this really bad pain. this hurt. these incessant tears. I pray to You. Humbly with all i have.
And hope you haven’t forgotten this undeserving child who really really needs Youu now.
Amen.